Okay, it’s time to get a little bit more personal. This tab has been one that I’ve taken a bit longer to get more comfortable posting on. Working out has become something that I’ve had a really strange relationship with. Like most girls, I struggle pretty heavily with my body image. As I’ve mentioned on this site before, I really only got into working out regularly when I went to college. I also started to struggle more with being comfortable in my own skin when I went to college, and those two things working together tried their best to hurt me.

I, along with many others, have fallen victim to the idea of “I can eat whatever I want, as long as I burn it off later,” have fallen victim to constant calorie counting, have fallen victim to the two hour long treadmill workout. I started this portion of my blog when I was exercising in a way that was never good for me. I wasn’t exercising to feel good, I was exercising to look good. The longer I spent wrestling with myself about how I “should” look, the more tired of it I got. I’ve come to a point where I am so exhausted knowing how many calories are in every bite of food I consume, I’m so tired of having the gym waiting for me after a long day, I’m so tired of going into fitting rooms at my favorite stores, and instead of feeling confident, feeling like pretty isn’t pretty enough. After wearing myself down almost entirely in this past spring, after finally coming to terms with the way I was thinking about food and behaving around food WAS disordered, I’ve started the journey of exercising for different goals and eating for different goals.

My therapist has been a huge help to me for over a year. She’s been a great confidant, but also has given me the necessary skills to cope with the anxieties I have, especially surrounding food. I’ve started to immediately block out any negative thoughts I have about a food I’m eating, and immediately replace the thought with what this food will do for me. So, instead of thinking about how eating a certain amount of carbs or calories will make me look, I think about how much more energy I’ll have. I’ve even started to put post-its around my room and on certain foods in my kitchen with these reminders. The carbs I eat will help me move my body more, and the calories I eat are giving me energy to think and learn. I literally think, whenever I have any thought that’s negative about food I’m about to eat or want to eat, “what will this do for me?” And I’ve started to make lists, in my head, on my phone, even next to items on my grocery lists, of what functions each food has for me, even if that’s simply just, “joy.”

I think of every single day as an opportunity to make amends for the things that I’ve done to my body. My body is the vessel for my soul, and what allows my soul to experience this great, big, beautiful world. My body takes me everywhere I want to go, it allows me to meet new people, to experience new things, to taste delicious food and smell pretty flowers. I have a body that is able to run, not for the purpose of punishing myself, but to feel the wind in my hair and the sun on my face and my muscles all working together to do something that needs so much endurance. I have a body that can work on its own, and for that I will be forever grateful for. I feel so sad that the way I was behaving for so long didn’t honor this fact. The way I was behaving was hurting the very thing I am so blessed to have, rather than helping her. Each day, I make amends with myself for overworking my body to the point of exhaustion, so many months in a row, I make amends for days I intentionally didn’t eat enough to fuel my body for daily functions, I make amends for drinking alcohol - poisoning my body. I see everyday as an apology to my body, an apology for how I treated her for so long. Now, I’m working out to be able to do those things, for the ability to continue being the luckiest person alive.

I exercise the way I want to, and do things that feel good. I’m actually working on stopping my workouts in the middle of what I usually do at the gym. I’m trying my best to be able to just stop, reminding myself that nothing “bad” will happen to me if I do. This has been getting easier, and I’ve recently found myself in the middle of exercising, recognizing a thought in my head that says “I don’t feel like doing this right now,” and I’m getting better at just leaving. Not forcing myself to continue if I don’t feel like it. Or, moving my body in a different way that’s more enjoyable. If I don’t want to run anymore, I’ve been going the same distance, but walking instead. Changing the form of movement , while keeping my body moving has been a huge help to me on this journey.

I remind myself everyday, I can’t hate myself into loving myself. Thinking the way so many think, “once I get to ____ weight, I’ll be happy,” or “once I look like ____, I’ll be happy,” will never make you love yourself more (of course, I’m talking about situations where it’s not in one’s best interest, health wise, to lose weight or force your body to look like something else). These negative affirmations simply manifest your own demise. No matter what changes about your body, if you continuously repeat hateful affirmations to yourself, it will never be enough. Your body is what allows your soul to exist in this world. Let it eat yummy food, let it move in ways that are good for you and feel good to you, and never use hate as a motivator to love yourself - it’ll never work. You’re made just the way you were meant to be. Allow your body to just be. We’re all working on that together! :)